Dr. John Gottman is a renowned psychologist and researcher in the field of relationships and is known for his extensive research on marital stability and divorce prediction.
Dr. Gottman identified four communication patterns, often referred to as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” of relationships that can be highly detrimental and predictive of divorce. These four negative communication styles are as follows:
- Criticism: This involves making personal attacks or attacking the character of your partner, rather than addressing a specific behaviour or issue It can make your partner feel attacked, leading to defensiveness or contempt.
- “You never do anything around the house. You’re so lazy!”
- “You always forget important dates. It’s like you don’t care about me at all!”
- “You’re so selfish. All you think about is yourself.”
- Contempt: Contempt involves feelings of superiority and disrespect towards your partner. It often manifests through sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, or name-calling. Contempt is particularly damaging to relationships
- Eye-rolling or sneering in a mocking way
- Name-calling or using insults
- Using sarcasm with a tone of superiority
- Defensiveness: Defensiveness is a response to perceived criticism, where one partner denies responsibility and instead blames the other person. It can escalate conflicts and prevent effective communication
- “It’s not my fault that I forgot; you never remind me!”
- “You think I’m the only one to blame? What about the times you mess up?”
- Making excuses or shifting blame to avoid taking responsibility.
- Stonewalling: Stonewalling refers to emotionally withdrawing from a conversation or interaction. It typically involves shutting down, becoming silent, or emotionally disengaging from the discussion. Stonewalling can leave the other partner feeling ignored and unheard
- Withdrawing from a conversation or giving the silent treatment.
- Avoiding eye contact and refusing to engage emotionally.
- Physically leaving the room during a discussion.
These communication patterns, when consistently present in a relationship, can significantly increase the likelihood of divorce or relationship dissatisfaction. They erode trust, emotional connection, and overall relationship satisfaction over time.
Regarding accuracy, John Gottman’s research has been highly influential in the field of relationship science. He has conducted extensive longitudinal studies and observations of couples to understand relationship dynamics and predictors of divorce. His work is respected and widely cited in the field. However, it’s important to note that every relationship is unique, and divorce prediction is not an exact science. While the presence of the Four Horsemen is indicative of potential problems, it does not guarantee divorce in every case. Other factors, such as individual differences, external stressors, and relationship dynamics, also play a role in relationship outcomes.
It’s important to note that these examples illustrate unhealthy communication patterns. Dr. Gottman’s research emphasizes the need to identify and address these behaviours to foster healthier and more successful relationships